Defining Moments

As far back as I can remember I've been told there would be moments that would define me and that those moments would help shape me into the person I am to become. I've always held this to be true. Recently though I've had some moments happen that if allowed to define me, would in reality hold me back. This had caused me to ponder if those moments define us or if we define those moments and if those moments define us, are they in some way holding us back.

Life has been quite tumultuous for me recently. I thought I had everything under control only for things to get crazy and me to be left holding pieces of a shattered world. I've been given a diagram to put it all back together, but its written in a foriegn language and I only have one little bottle of glue. There is no room for mistakes right now. Yet every step I take seems to be a mistake.

I know that when things get rocky and tough its when my true self comes out and when I somehow become capable of doing things I never thought possible. These moments are referred to as defining moments. Unfortunately I don't want to be defined by my failure. I would rather be defined as independent and capable, not weak and vulnerable. Many would say that it requires failure to rise from the ashes. Honestly I feel embarassed, ashamed and lost among my ashes.

Hands reach out from everywhere to help me, but I somehow don't feel worthy of that help. These offers of help only feed my feelings of insecurity and inadequacy. Advice bombards me from everywhere and so many faces look to me seeking an answer, any answer, but I can't give an answer for I am truly lost and don't know what to do. I look around, hoping that I've remembered to lay a trail of breadcrumbs back to safety. To my dismay I see crows and ravens feeding upon what remains of the scraps that can lead me back.

I feel pulled in a million directions and that everyone has an answer. I just don't know that any of those answers are right for me. I want to cry, but tears won't fall. I feel a great sense of loss. I keep my head up, hoping if I don't show what I feel it will somehow make everything ok. I'm scared and alone.

If we are defined by the moments in our lives that shake us to the core, then I would be confined to a definition of dismay, fear, lonliness and inadequacy. I wish to be defined by what I'm capable of and not where I find myself. Yes I am lost right now and yes it does feel as though things will never be ok again. But I know deep inside myself is an amazing and worthwhile person that will rise from the ashes and put my shattered world back together and that I will define this moment in my life and not be confined to a preconceptions.