Defining Moments

As far back as I can remember I've been told there would be moments that would define me and that those moments would help shape me into the person I am to become. I've always held this to be true. Recently though I've had some moments happen that if allowed to define me, would in reality hold me back. This had caused me to ponder if those moments define us or if we define those moments and if those moments define us, are they in some way holding us back.

Life has been quite tumultuous for me recently. I thought I had everything under control only for things to get crazy and me to be left holding pieces of a shattered world. I've been given a diagram to put it all back together, but its written in a foriegn language and I only have one little bottle of glue. There is no room for mistakes right now. Yet every step I take seems to be a mistake.

I know that when things get rocky and tough its when my true self comes out and when I somehow become capable of doing things I never thought possible. These moments are referred to as defining moments. Unfortunately I don't want to be defined by my failure. I would rather be defined as independent and capable, not weak and vulnerable. Many would say that it requires failure to rise from the ashes. Honestly I feel embarassed, ashamed and lost among my ashes.

Hands reach out from everywhere to help me, but I somehow don't feel worthy of that help. These offers of help only feed my feelings of insecurity and inadequacy. Advice bombards me from everywhere and so many faces look to me seeking an answer, any answer, but I can't give an answer for I am truly lost and don't know what to do. I look around, hoping that I've remembered to lay a trail of breadcrumbs back to safety. To my dismay I see crows and ravens feeding upon what remains of the scraps that can lead me back.

I feel pulled in a million directions and that everyone has an answer. I just don't know that any of those answers are right for me. I want to cry, but tears won't fall. I feel a great sense of loss. I keep my head up, hoping if I don't show what I feel it will somehow make everything ok. I'm scared and alone.

If we are defined by the moments in our lives that shake us to the core, then I would be confined to a definition of dismay, fear, lonliness and inadequacy. I wish to be defined by what I'm capable of and not where I find myself. Yes I am lost right now and yes it does feel as though things will never be ok again. But I know deep inside myself is an amazing and worthwhile person that will rise from the ashes and put my shattered world back together and that I will define this moment in my life and not be confined to a preconceptions.

Winter Wonderland

I look out on my world blanketed in a dusting of snow. The air is frigid and I can see my breath each time I exhale. The air chills my face, especially my nose and ears yet I am lost in a place of enchantment. For one night only I have been given the eyes of a child and the world looks so different from what I remembered. There’s a large evergreen that stands next to my house. With all the recent snows its branches are frosted and loaded with snow, the tree stands prouder this time of year, almost like it wants for some twinkling lights and perhaps a star on top.

Its an overcast night, definitely looks like more snow on the horizon. I welcome it! I want to watch those soft big flakes slowly descending to earth. Each flake gently swirling and drifting as it falls then landing with grace upon the thousand that fell before it.

There is something about the ambience of a winters night. The clouded sky casts a soft hue upon the earth and the blanket of white reflects it back. The lights upon houses and the street lights are softened and glow with a rich golden light. There is some darkness that falls between the clouds and snow covered earth, but it too resonates with a richness that only appears on a snowy winter evening. Gazing upon it warms me from the inside out.

I look out at a land of silvery white and my eyes get lost in dream. There is so much hope and promise in the snow. It carries upon it a promise of grass and flowers in a few short months. Just as I need rest to perform my best, the earth needs to fall asleep for few months under a thick, white fluffy blanket. Then slowly as the blanket fades and is pulled away and the renewal begins, the world becomes more vibrant and alive then its been in months. A new season is heralded with the singing of birds and the swaying of tulips and the rush of life giving water.

I think its time to embrace the season and enjoy all that surrounds me!

Miles Down the Road

I'm sitting here tonight having a bit of a time. Truth be told I am in the recovery mode of a panic attack. Panic attacks have become somewhat of a fact of life in light of incidents in my life this year. They are usually triggered by something completely harmless, but in my mind it never seems that way. Anyway, I digress, the point of this blog is to point out the positive nature of things, after all we find only what we seek.

This year has been such a whirl wind. There have been some interesting moments to say the least and a few moments that I wish in some way I could change. I do believe that everything happens for a reason, but I had something taken from me this year that I'm not sure I will ever get back. Of course, the nightmare I elude to also possessed an opportunity for personal growth and I'm still embracing that as much as I can.

March 23rd is the day that defines before the incident and after the incident. Since that date, I've experienced a multitude of emotions and most I don't know how to begin to deal with. But I'm learning to cope. I have discovered that I am stronger than I thought I was, and that its ok to not be strong all the time. I know that sounds contradictory, but there are times in all our lives when no matter how strong we are, we need to rest and thats where these things called friends come in. The offer their shoulders to lean on, the offer their ears to listen to your story and most importantly they offer compassion when you just can't find it within yourself.

In my mind it seems years have passed since March 23rd, rather its only been a few short months. I look behind me at the road I've travelled and its been rocky in places and there's been a couple of times that I got stuck on a round-a-bout or two, but the important part is that I am still moving forward. I look ahead and the road is concealed, but I'm ok with that. I don't expect things to be easy, I expect a bit of a challenge. I have miles to travel before my journeys end...

Perspective

Today was one of those days when at first glance everything seemed beautiful, but then the persistent wind picked up. Garbage, tree limbs, shingles and unknown other debris is being blown hither and yon. A fine layer of dust has settled on everything. Its easy to allow the 'stormy' climate to affect ones mood. Its almost easier to be short with others, bitter and hurt. In reality a different perspective can change the tone of the day.

"Fairy tales, are more than true. Not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be defeated."
G.K. Chesterton

Often it is simpler to succumb to the tone established by those around us. It takes strength of character to actively choose to rise above the waves of negativity that roll in around us. Today has been a monumental struggle for me. The day started on the sourest of notes and things haven't impoved much since. I don't honestly know that things are really all that bad, but rather my perspective today is very narrow.

The only way to keep my head above the waves is look beyond myself, keep my eye on the shore, and keep swimming. The day wasn't filled with roses, but there was sunshine and dandelions. Dandelions, though a bit of nuisance, are quite happy little flowers, and if it weren't for dandelions and tulips, there wouldn't be any spring flowers this year.

"The miracles of nature do not seem miracles because they are so common. If no one had ever seen a flower, even a dandelion would be the most startling event in the world."
~unknown

One has to consider the strength and persistence of a dandelion. It grows prolifically in shade and in light and I believe it to be the most despised of all flowers. In fact, it has crossed over from a flower to dreaded weed, but it continues to grow and prosper regardless of the unfavorable moniker. You can mow your lawn today and rid yourself of them, but there will be new ones tomorrow.

Imagine how sad the world would be without dandelions. I think back as a child how many times I wished upon the feathery puff of a dandelion that was ready to scatter its seeds. Those tiny little white feathers intrigued and delighted me. They drifted on the breeze and carried my dreams into the sky. Just like your never too old to build a snowman, have a snowball fight, blow bubbles, have a water fight, your never too old to wish on a white, feathery dandelion!

The Arrival of Summer

Summer has arrived! I am quite certain it crept in under the cloak of darkness last night. I am overjoyed to look up and have the sun kiss my face and clear blue skies overhead.

Summer is a season of guiltless little pleasures. Pleasures that can't be experienced at any other time of the year. For instance, running through grass bare foot, each blade gently tickling your feet. The cool spongey feeling caressing the sole of your foot. The air is filled with that decidely summer smell. Its difficult to explain, but so easy to experience. Its a time when you crave fresh berries, tomatoes, watermelon and cool glass of lemonade.

But more than all this, summer is a season of commraderie. Back yard bbq's filled with laughter and merriment, afternoon fishing trips, picnics, days at the lake . . . the possibilities are limitless. Good times with great friends and peaceful times with loved ones. Its almost like stolen moments that must be enjoyed to the fullest and made to count!

Allow me to raise my glass to a summer filled with friends (new and old), adventures, trips off the beaten path, and who could forget pleasant libation and delightful sustenance!

Take my Breath Away

This evening turned out to be absolutely beautiful. Nature is caught somewhere between spring and summer. The leaves have emerged on the trees and blossoms richly perfume the evening air. The city is busy with so many taking advantage of the last few hours of sunlight. I myself found myself drawn to a special corner of the city.

I drove to Freeman Park this evening, walked along the path as the quiet whispers of evening soothed me. The sun began to sink beyond the horizon and the sky was filled with opulent hues of pink and blue and some soft tangerine. I couldn't help but smile, especially as my mind was instantly permeated with pleasant memories of a nearly perfect moment so long ago. . .

It had rained that day and the evening was soaked with the heady scent that follows such a cleansing. The lights were softened by the moisture in the air and the grass glistened. The clouds slowly vanished and revealed the dark canvas of the sky dotted with twinkling lights. Then the moment that stole my heart and took my breath away, he asked me to dance.

It replays in my mind, the edges of the memory softened as though there's a special filter on the lense of my minds eye. The moment was perfect. I don't remember the song, and I don't know how long we danced. But I remember that for a few minutes all was right. I felt so secure in that moment, so cared for and protected. I guess in some ways I have lived part of my fairy tale.

The Beginning

This blog is born out of necessity in my life to take to delight in simple things. The word Praeclarus is latin for excellent, beautiful and striking. The world around us is filled with excellent, beautiful and striking elements, one just needs to endeavor to find them and enjoy them.

Its easy to get caught up in the whirlwind that is life. Eagerly rushing through the days, working to pay bills, watching the seasons come and go through a pane of glass, whispering to that still, quiet voice deep inside that tomorrow there will be time for enjoyment. Yet when tomorrow arrives, the time seems spent before the day has even started.

I used to make it a point to witness every sunset, as there will never be another like it. This was a daily ritual of mine and it brought me such delight to gaze upon the rich colors of the skyscape. I realized as I was driving to my sister's house this evening, I haven't witnessed a sunset since November. The time sure slips away.

I digress, the purpose of these random musings is to document the little things that count in my daily interactions. I am hopeful that by focusing on the positive and embracing the inspiration freely given to me that somehow I will change and that my inner cynic will disappear.